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| A SPECIAL BRAIN EDITION OF THE NEWSLETTER Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Of course, this outlet isn't the only one for my voluminous news missives and whatnot. You can follow me on Twitter if you just can't wait to get all that news CRAMMED in your facehole. Just go to @HorbFlerbminber, SMASH THAT FOLLOW BUTTON and let the scoops wash over you like Ranier Wolfcastle in the giant tsunami of acid while filming the Radioactive Man movie. Also, you can order back issues of my newsletter. Just make sure you buy another gallon of milk before you do. And this week, you can get all the issues featuring Bobby Heenan content on special. If you buy five issues, I'll send you a glossy 8x10 of Heenan, autographed*, absolutely free! Some of those issues include:
- November 1, 1944 - I cover the birth of Bobby Heenan, including interviews from both his parents, including quotes like "Who let you the delivery room?" and "PUT THE FUCKING PLACENTA DOWN, NO ONE IN HERE KNOWS YOU."
- November 18, 1970 - Interview with Heenan about his bloody-faced cover of Wrestler magazine. Quote, "I'll never make out with Edward Scissorhands' sister, Margaret Hatchetface, again."
- October 3, 1984 - Coverage of Heenan leaving the AWA, including a quote from Verne Gagne "Bobby, could you please turn the light off before you go? Thanks."
- January 27, 1988 - In depth coverage of Heenan ordering a Whopper with cheese but NO lettuce at Burger King
- September 20, 2017 - The Life and Times of Bobby Heenan. Yes, this is a back issue. It's in the past by the time you're reading it, right? RIGHT?
- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan passed away Sunday of natural causes at age 73. He is survived by his wife Cynthia, his daughter Jessica, and his large adult son, Corey Graves.
- Heenan managed several wrestlers during his illustrious career, including Nick Bockwinkel, whom he led to four AWA World Championships, three AWA Tag Team Championships, $4,230 in savings at Men's Wearhouse in suit purchases, and almost the 1980 Presidential Election. Bockwinkel won the popular vote thanks to Heenan's tireless campaigning, but he was disqualified after the referee discovered that Heenan used brass knuckles on George HW Bush before the Vice-Presidential debate that year.
- Heenan's signature was calling people ham 'n eggers, which according to Heenan's wife Cynthia, came from his days fighting people literally made out of nothing but ham and eggs in his territorial days in Indianapolis. This story is chronicled in the Studio Ghibli anime called Rememberings of the Carnotaurus.
- Heenan left the AWA in 1984 to go to WWE, but he was the only one of Vince McMahon's raid targets who finished all of his dates with the former company. This was due to the long-held superstition he had that if he didn't keep his word in real life, Bloody Mary would steal his children and turn them into Seventh Day Adventists.
- In 1988, my uncle who works for WWE said that the first Ultimate Warrior died in a car crash and was replaced by a new one. What does this have to do with Bobby Heenan? That uncle... HE WAS BOBBY HEENAN.
- Before departing WWE in 1994, Gorilla Monsoon legally adopted Bobby Heenan as his son. Heenan also asked for 50 years of back Christmas and birthday presents, to which Monsoon replied "WILL YOU STOP IT."
- Many people remember Heenan asking if Hogan was the third man as he was making his way to ringside at Bash at the Beach '96, but what people forget is that Heenan followed it up with "And I bet he'll be videotaped saying something absolutely racist while making a sex tape with his best friend's wife about 15 to 20 years from now. That's the kind of guy Hogan is."
- Heenan was in the final running to play Ruby Rhod in Luc Besson's 1997 sci-fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. His audition was strong, but he ended up losing out to Chris Tucker.
NON HEENAN NEWS
- Bayley returned to RAW Monday after a month on the shelf recovering from a bwoken heawt after the mean WWE fans huwt her widdle feewings.
- WWE is bringing back the Starrcade name for a Thanksgiving Smackdown house show at the Greensboro Coliseum. Cody Rhodes commented "They're using the name of an event my FATHER created without personally asking me to see if it was okay? This is the absolute worst possible thing that has ever happened in wrestling, because I am wrestling royalty. HOW DARE THEY."
- Paige is back at the Performance Center preparing for an in-ring return, which means she'll be sidelined for another five years as WWE struggles to figure out which brand's main event five-way match to stick her in.
- Jim Cornette has left Impact Wrestling after having a near-aneurysm watching DJ Z flip with a little too much panache on an arm drag.
- Speaking of Impact Wrestling, Ed Nordholm has announced the new slogan to be "Less Talk, More Action." In unrelated news, Josh Mathews and Don West debating the merits of the metric system in an open, graded forum for the right to be Impact color commentator is scheduled to span the next five television tapings.
- Ric Flair has promised he is never drinking again. Bartenders across the country lowered their flags to half-staff.
- Davey Richards underwent knee surgery and is expected to be on the shelf for several months. He was quoted as saying "Well, paramedics need to have strong knees to do their job, so I guess I'm gonna have to put that off to continue being a wrestler for the next, I don't know, decade or so?"
- Richards no-showed the Ted Petty Invitational, but promoter Ian Rotten barred a fan from attending night two for making a comment critical of him and IWA Mid-South, just in case you think anyone in the business deserves sympathy at any given time.
- Cris Cyborg and Ronda Rousey are considering taking their potential megafight to a WWE right. Fight analysts are already calling it "a far more legitimate fight setting than Mayweather/McGregor."
- Lio Rush made his debut at the NXT tapings last week under the name "Jules Hurry."
- Chris Jericho is chartering a cruise for wrestling fans that will feature rock music, comedy, live podcasts, and a wrestling tournament presented by Ring of Honor. Officials are expecting anywhere between zero and five of the passengers to be women.
- What Culture has laid off several members of its staff, announced in a listicle titled "Surprise! Five Staff Writers and Administrators Who Are Going to Be Out of a Job Today by End of Business."
- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Amore was kicked off the company bus in response to him saying Bobby Heenan was a "certified G and a bona fide stud." Amore wasn't aware that he wasn't allowed to comment on Heenan because he missed the height requirement for being able to honor WWE Hall of Famers by two inches.
Last week's poll results are in, and only five percent of you picked the right answer. SHAME ON THE REST OF YOU. This week's poll:
* - Picture autographed by me, not Heenan. Also, the picture may or may not be of me wearing a blond wig. Please don't sue.
