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| You don't fuck with Strowman, even if you're Triple H Photo Credit: WWE.com |
1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 5) - The legend of BRAUUUUUUUUUUUN grows with each passing minute, even though Team Smackdown really didn't even try to dispose of him last night. I mean, Roman Reigns smashed him up against a wall in a car. Miz and Co. dumped him in a garbage truck. All those Smackdown loonies did was suplex him through a table? Get the fuck outta here. Strowman at least had the last and best laugh by demolishing Triple H to close the show. Hopefully, whatever "feud" they have will just be a repeating series of Strowman owning H and claiming the McMahon family riches as his bounty.
2. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - I'm convinced the only person who could challenge Strowman for dominance is Asuka, who made short work of Nattie Neidhart and Tamina Snuka in the other five-on-five match. The only problem is the caliber of wrestler demolished by the Empress of Tomorrow since getting to RAW has been steadily declining since she took out Emma to start her career there. Where is the competition? Hopefully tonight on RAW, she'll demolish Thanos, Ruby Weapon, and the concept of entropy itself in a handicap match.
3. Derek Barnett (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Speaking of demolitions, the Eagles' latest first round draft pick systematically dismantled Dak Prescott last night en route to the team's 37-9 rout of the Dallas Cowboys. Nothing in sport is sweeter than beating the Cowboys, and nothing puts a cherry on top of the sundae quite like a blowout. Barnett proved all his doubters wrong and has quietly started to put together a Defensive Rookie of the Year-worth resume.
4. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Speaking of awesome hometown players murking hated rivals, when you drop 46 points, 15 rebounds, seven assists, and seven blocks, you pretty much own the other team, right? If I were him though, I don't think I'd want to own a fraud-ass franchise like the Lakers. Maybe Embiid can process his way to a co-starring role where Jack Nicholson is his literal lapdog.
5. Thanksgiving Turkey (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Turkey gets maligned a lot, but it's a solid meat whose flavors can be manipulated by anyone who knows how to cook. Plus, anyone knows the best part of a roasting bird is the crispy skin. Thanksgiving admittedly is more about the sides, but that's what makes turkey the best. It's not going to dominate the meal so you can fill up on those sides. You gotta love a team player.
6. Toni Storm (Last Week: 3) - Honestly, if I don't rank Toni Storm, Big Tiny Hat sends an angry letter to my place of employment, and no one wants that to happen.
7. Velveteen Dream (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did Dream break out of his shell on a big stage, he got a bunch of people to chant "SAY HIS NAME" at Aleister Black. That's a huge accomplishment for a wrestler in an industry where people still take the bait on gay bashing heel tactics.
8. Max Smashmaster (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Smashmaster went toe to toe with Mike Quackenbush and lost, but he gained something valuable in the process... respect. Unfortunately, Smashmaster decided to retire afterwards, which is a shame. The Devastation Corporation was legitimately one of the best things in wrestling, not just Chikara, but wrestling at its height. Now two-thirds of the group is retired, and the other one is dangling formlessly in Gabe Sapolsky's playground of respect and betrayal. Godspeed, Mr. Smashmaster.
9. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It's one thing to put out four albums in a year. It's a whole other for them all to be at least good. It's an even wholly different thing for the last one to be completely open source and available for license-free download to do whatever you want with. The Australian psychedelic garage band may not be the best selling act in the world, but goddamn if it isn't one of the most eccentrically awesome ones.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - The only reason Takeover: War Games wasn't unanimously rated as the best show of the year is because Oney Lorcan was not allowed entry for porkin. DO BETTER, TRIPLE H.
